Proposal for New Olympic Sport

Dear Olympic Committee,

Please plan to include Lawn Mowing in the next Olympic games. This should be a big success, as we British like our lawns.

Note that I mean Lawn Mowing with push mowers, not petrol/gas or electric. The real push mowers, that you walk or run behind and push with human power. You might also know them as "reel mowers", and they do not have engines.

We could have the 1/4 acre 3" cut, both individual and relay. We could have synchronised striping. Yes, I said striping, not stripping (you can only make lawns stripy with reel mowers). We could have long grass and short grass events. Penalties would be incurred for any cursing, tufts of dandelions left behind, and putting twigs onto the other competitors' track.

This sport would be extremely useful in that:

• it would be of interest to many countries (unlike softball, which unfortunately has a following only in the USA, and makes me wonder why Rounders is not an Olympic sport too?)
• it would generate innovation in design of human-powered lawnmowers, creating versions that are incredibly efficient, light-weight, and which cut all lengths of grass including all the springy weeds that the current Home Depot version misses, and which don't jam on the tiniest bit of twig, throwing the operator over the handlebars
• it would allow young athletes to train each weekend in their local suburbs at no cost, creating a large pool of athletes from each country when it comes to selection time, and thereby recreating those old Saturday mornings when the air was filled with the scent of cut grass and the gentle whirr of mower blades, rather than petrol/gas fumes and very-noisy engines, and so the planet would be saved.

The proposed uniform would be sneakers, cargo pants, singlets, and a large dose of mosquito repellent. This is open to discussion, but itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny bikinis are not an option. This is not beach volleyball!

Due to my interest in this sport, I am offering to train any local athletes who are ready to get started. Please bring your own mower and meet on my front drive next Saturday at 10 a.m. I will supply the grass and the instructions.

(Yes, my electric mower is still in the 'shop' receiving a power-supply-and-switch transplant. Thank you to everyone for your sympathy and for offering me the loan of a gas mower, but I am sticking to the push mower as I need the workout and I'm stubborn and there's no way I can carry one of those heavy smelly noisy things up the stairs to the back lawn. Thank you anyway.)

(Anyone have a spare goat?????)